Posted by 4blake | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on May 19, 2014
I step into the tube, and feel an odd cozy sensation. I am about to enter the Hunger Games, and I feel warm and happy. Soon the ground beneath my feet shakes and I am being lifted into the air, and surrounded my certain death. As I look around my surroundings I realize where the warm and happy feelings are coming from, the sand beaches to my left, and looming volcanoes to my right. They aren’t my only threat through, a large group of fierce opponents are around me.
Stop, I have to tell myself. I’m not doing myself any good by dwelling on the strength and demeanor of my rivals. I have to focus on the gong, when I hear it I have to sprint into any cover I have, I will die first if I don’t get a long distance between me and the cornucopia. It seems like my best shot is to grab a light blue backpack just 10 feet from my feet, then to run into the trees behind me. BANG!
In a flash I see everybody running to the center, and I barely notice my feet taking me right to the backpack and straight to a pack of throwing knives. Great, now somebody is going to stab me from behind. I muster all of my energy and spring into the wooded area beyond my pedestal. By the time I reach the woods I am barley breathing, but thankful nobody noticed me. I scale a tree just to be safe, when I get to near the top I see many fighting figures near the cornucopia. I fiddle with my ring, and hope that I will make it to see a glorious sunrise over this strange new land.
Overall, a pretty good piece, however a few things could be improved: a better attention getter, more sensory details, and while I did like the amount of thoughts that were included, you made it seem like you too were an observer, and not actually living it. Maybe that’s just how you “felt.” Anyway, just some of my thoughts and opinions.
I feel that this writing piece was good, but it could have been so much better without all of the silly punctuation and grammar mistakes. Your attention getter could also be much better. Although I did enjoy how the character was feeling warm and happy, I still did not understand why. My favorite sentence would have to be “I fiddle with my ring, and hope that I will make it to see a glorious sunrise over this strange new land.” It leaves the reader wanting more! Overall, I enjoyed this piece a lot!
This was a good writing piece I only found a few problems with it. the second sentence “Soon the ground beneath my feet shakes and I am being lifted into the air, and surrounded my certain death.” I think the my should be a by and I would also like to see more emotions displayed through your writing. Sensory details were alright too. other then those few things I think this was very well written.