Posted by 4blake | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on May 27, 2014
They say that swimming makes you feel weightless, but I think that it feels like a universe sitting on top of your shoulders. I was sitting next to Annabeth, we were just wrapping up our dinner and having a conversation about our districts. She talked about such a nice brother that she had, how they would spend countless days together. Then, she was abruptly cut short by a thundering crashing sound off in the distance. Since she grew up near the sea Annabeth knew something was wrong began shouting at me to run. I didn’t know what was happening, but I fully trusted her to keep me safe.
I wasn’t sure what we were running from, my only thought was that if I stopped I’d be standing in my grave. We continued to run, until she came upon what we had been running to, a huge tree thundering high above the ground. Annabeth instructed me to climb and explained on the way up that a tsunami was occurring over in the west, by the beach. She had terror in her eyes, I could tell because what should have been blue turned into a deep grey that wouldn’t lighten up, it was like she knew what was going to happen. As we approached the halfway mark of the tree the wave broke through the trees beneath our feet, trampling everything in its way. The last time I saw Annabeth she was pushing my higher into the canopy, tears forming in her eyes which were now almost black.
It’s not real, I had to keep telling myself that she would swim right up to the surface and continue to climb with me, but she didn’t. It’s not real. It’s not real. As I climbed for my life I was slipping on my tears, and hanging on a slim branch when I remembered that it’s all just a game. I broke down into hysterics over the loss of my newfound best friend, and removed my one arm from the branch. I continued to make it seem like I was going to give up. On the inside I knew what was going to happen. Just before I released my final finger from the branch the swelling water quickly receded. I was right, the Gamemakers primary goal is to make the Hunger Games a success, not bring how children to their families. If I did fall into the churning water then the audience would have lost their small innocent Willow tree in a forest of prickly pines and looming oaks.
To start of your post the attention getter was very good. I thought your use of details was very good and there were many sensory details. Also you chose very vivid words to describe your emotion, which I thought was very good. Another thing is that I saw little to no grammatical mistakes.
Very good Blake! A couple sentences didn’t make sense though. “She talked about such a nice brother that she had, how they would spend countless days together.” after the comma you should’ve added (and). Also “The last time I saw Annabeth she was pushing my higher into the canopy, tears forming in her eyes which were now almost black.” …. my should’ve been me. probably just a proof read mistake. But overall good job!
This was a really good piece! I love your opening sentence; “They say that swimming makes you feel weightless, but I think that it feels like a universe sitting on top of your shoulders. ” Such an amazing way to start it off. You included many good sensory details and descriptive words too which made me really enjoy your post. If i could change some things I would fix this sentence; “The last time I saw Annabeth she was pushing my higher into the canopy, tears forming in her eyes which were now almost black.” It should be “me” instead of “my.” There were also a few other grammatical mistakes that could easily be fixed by a quick proofread. Over all it was a great story.