Posted by 4blake | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on May 18, 2014
My mother comes into the room, weeping so much that she can barely breathe. I attempt to calm her down, but I too begin the endless sobbing. We seem to be sobbing for endless days and nights, but all of a sudden our five minutes are up, and I’m screaming my good-byes to her. As I sit in the room by myself, awaiting my next visitor, I notice something small and delicate in my hands.
I stare at my token, my grandmother’s wedding ring, wonder and awe wash over me as I think about the story behind it. The wires wrap around my finger like vines creeping around a tree trunk. The black wires twist around each other and ensconce the diamond in the center of the ring. My mother is so generous to allow me to bring this ring into the Hunger Games. The story behind her ring is magical and inspiring.
I hope that having her ring with me is going to help me survive in the Hunger Games. The love and affection of my grandparent’s relationship just might be enough to help me cope with the stress and anxiety of weeks to come. When I run my fingers over all the unique patterns of wire I feel peaceful. It’s like closing your eyes and falling asleep, forgetting all your problems and fears.
I really enjoyed this writing piece. You used some great sensory details and figurative language to describe your tribute token. I especially love the sentence “The wires wrap around my finger like vines creeping around a tree trunk.” because it gives a really good description of the design of the ring and allows the reader to form a clear picture of it in their mind. However I feel like you could have described the color and touch of the ring. It’s nothing too big, but the more detail you could use to describe something, the better the picture a reader has in his/her mind. Something I really didn’t like about this piece is that you keep talking about how amazing and important the story behind your grandmother’s wedding ring is (“wonder and awe wash over me as I think about the story behind it.” “The story behind her ring is magical and inspiring.”) but then you never tell the story. This was still a really good writing piece and I can’t wait to see what you write next.
Very amazing! I loved it! The only thing I could point out is that you gush about how important the ring is to you because of the story behind it, but you never say what the story is or WHY it means so much to you. What is its significance?
I especially enjoyed the following lines: The wires wrap around my finger like vines creeping around a tree trunk. The black wires twist around each other and ensconce the diamond in the center of the ring. The simile really made me SEE this! I loved that you used a LOTF vocab word too!