Posted by 4blake | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on May 14, 2014
One foot in front of the other, and then you’re fleeing from your enemies. All it would take to kill me is one more step. I can never bring myself to enter the reaping because of the deadly outcomes. One minute a girl is standing nervously next to you, the next moment she is standing on her pedestal, awaiting certain death. Every time you are entered into the reaping bowl you are entered for the “chance of a lifetime”. There is a chance that today I will be picked to enter the Hunger Games, which will be the death of me. The first step to your end is being in the reaping pool. I go through with it anyway, since you are forced to be entered in the reaping bowl.
As I am waiting for innocent children’s names to be called I notice how pristine the reaping bowl looks, sunlight glints off of the bowl and makes it twinkle. It reminds me of how my mother’s expensive necklace looks when you hold it up to the light just the right way. I quickly look over at my mother and the rest of my family, I want them to think I’m not too nervous or scared about the reaping. My family is my backbone, they love my unconditionally. When I look at them I see my father staying strong, my mother on the verge on hysteria, and my brother making funny faces at me. To be separated from my family is like going years without rain.
I hear a muffled noise come over the speaker, I guess Harper Haze called one of the other 14 year-old girls because one of them was breaking down and crying in tears. She looked as if she was hunched over in pain, her tears were flowing freely and began to fall onto her dress. I finally realized it was my best friend, Regina Finn, who was crying. The girl next to me whispers for me to move forward, now I understand. I have been reaped. I feels like a tornado barreled through the district and carried everything away, except me. I try to walk up onto the stage as calmly as possible, but I break down when I see mom, dad, and Rye in the audience. The only thing I can feel is fear, creeping up on me like a lion and pouncing the second I turn my back.
You are an amazing writer. I loved everything about this piece! All the details really made me feel for the character, and the way you used similes and metaphors really brought the piece to life!
It is hard to find anything incorrect to bring to your attention, but
“I want them to think I’m not too nervous or scared about the reaping.” could be phrased differently, it sounds kind of confusing at first.
But other than that: Very Good Job! 🙂
This was a great piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it very much. I especially loved your final sentence. It was a fantastic simile and was the perfect way to end the piece. The only problem I had with this piece of writing is how you kind of flip-flopped between present and past tense in the first paragraph and a little in the second. Just make sure you stay in the same tense and you should be good to go.
This writing piece was very impressive and you used some great details and descriptive words. I especially love the description of the bowl and the line “To be separated from my family is like going years without rain”. It’s really powerful and shows how much you love your family. My favorite part is the ending. It left me really wanting to know what happens next,as endings should do. However, the first couple of sentences confused me. It made it seem like you were in some kind of battle, not entering the reaping. Also, you should probably add more about what you were feeling. We’re you nervous, sad, it’s not very clear. Even so, this was still great and really entertaining, you would just need to make a couple tweaks and additions.